Philosophy, Rife Handbook

The Dominator Mentality


excerpt from The Rife Handbook, Chapter 6

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To those accustomed to treating others with kindness, one of the most difficult concepts to grasp is how some people can live their lives without compassion, even behaving with deliberate cruelty toward others. It’s as though one were suddenly whisked from one’s generous and caring homeworld onto a foreign planet of strange beings. It’s difficult to deal with indifference and callousness when these traits feel so alien to one’s own nature. However, for those navigating dominator territory, it’s imperative to understand how the dominator mentality operates.

   Dominator paradigm adherents might feel beautiful or talented, important or special or worthy—but not because they feel intrinsically good and alive within their own skin. Their feelings of self-worth stem from how much more wealth, prestige, and social status they have compared to others. Instead of connecting to qualities generated from the inside, they rely on qualities dependent on the outside. Instead of connection, they embrace a façade. And instead of self-mastery, they prefer the thrill of controlling the lives of others. Because they depend on external resources (land, animals, plants, minerals, things, and other people) to make them feel whole, dominators must constantly replenish their supply. However, depending on something external for one’s value and sense of self creates a never-ending black hole of “not enough.” This is why it can be a lengthy and difficult process to change the dominant paradigm.

   No one who feels connected to self (and thus to the universe, creation, Source) would dream of harming another. People who mistreat others are separated from their own minds, bodies, and spirits. By treating others as expendable commodities, dominators turn themselves into commodities. Therefore, mistreating others is, quite literally, mistreating oneself, although the dominator mentality does not recognize this. As the dominator mentality becomes entrenched in the psyche, dominators condemn in others the traits they’re unable to accept in themselves. Psychologists call this disowning of one’s “shadow” side and assigning it to others, projection. Judging and blaming others generates a false sense of self-esteem. It also poisons all relationships, even relationships with other dominators. Someone who condemns others is actually very lonely because condemnation separates us from others and from ourselves. Reflecting and reinforcing this domination-separation paradigm, the world becomes polarized into:

Us / Them
Male / Female
Superior / Inferior
Observer / Observed
Conqueror / Conquered
Objective / Subjective
Powerful / Powerless
Scientific / Creative
Active / Passive
Strong / Weak
Win / Lose

   The hierarchical mindset of “Us vs. Them,” “Superior / Inferior,” etc., does more than keep the world polarized and its inhabitants isolated. This mindset also encourages the mistreatment of anyone who we perceive is not like us. Someone who’s different isn’t worth very much, the rationalization goes, so it doesn’t matter how badly we treat them. We pay a steep price for living under a dominator paradigm. Besides relationships, our work, play, politics, child rearing, science, religion, art, and healing modalities all reflect—and perpetuate further—this alienation. The antagonism toward others that’s encouraged by alienation eventually escalates into aggressive, destructive, and violent acts: vandalism, theft, sexual abuse, murder, war.

   Because alienation is encouraged, anyone at any time can become a dominator. However, a victimizer cannot exist without a victim. People who reinforce their role as victims allow others to victimize them, thus perpetuating the dominator mindset. In such a culture, tolerance can be abused. Tolerance is essential for an egalitarian society, but this doesn’t mean that we should capitulate to victimizers’ demands or fail to erect strong personal boundaries. Understanding victimizers doesn’t mean condoning or allowing their behavior.

   Dominators often pretend to be advocates for those whom they dominate. They may also claim that they are the ones being victimized. This helps them hide and avoid being held accountable for their acts.

   The dominator mindset may be highly visible, but it’s not the only paradigm. Under “Win/Win,” everyone contributes the best that they can, and respects the person and property of others.